The waiting begins- I let go and let God

So yesterday I had my procedure done and everything is now in God's hands. I trust that whatever is supposed to be will be. This morning we went back to the doctor- the release was successful- hopefully everything will join as it needs to. Tomorrow I smart a medicine that will make sure that LD is not a problem.

December 11 is the day for tests. Til then I will take my meds like I need to, and I will let go and let God!

Eat, Pray, Love- What I learned through reading this amazing book

I think it is kind of interesting that the background I use for my blog is someone who appears to be doing yoga. Something that requires great flexibility, focus, restraint, attention span and endurance. I may have focus but the rest of the qualities mentioned are not really things I am known for. None the less yoga to me has always represented balance- peace and harmony of one's mind, body and spirit. Something that while I am not very good at, has always been a goal of mine.

You may wonder what all that has to do with the book Eat, Pray, Love (since it's in the title of this blog). After all, I am not someone who is in my early thirties, feeling trapped in her marriage and desperate not to have children- ironically enough- I am a woman about to enter her thirties, happily married to someone whom most consider saint like for loving me seemingly unconditionally- and oh yeah- I really, really want children. So much so that I am willing to stick myself with needles to make it happen. The things that me and this author do have in common are our love for foreign languages that are romantic, love of travel and reading, studying and writing. Finally, the desire to truly know and understand our calling in this life. We are also both very emotional and have been reduced to bouts of sobbing on a bathroom floor in the middle of the night while we try to contemplate our various plights.

She begins a journey of self preservation that I find hauntingly familiar. The difference is that I did not have to divorce my husband and travel the world for a year. Rather, I got my ever expanding toosh to a diet center and began a somewhat lengthier process that I just recently realized I have not fully committed to- even 4 weeks before my life is potentially going to change forever. I did however fully commit to a different journey entirely. One that I think, no feel was crucial in order for my body to even begin to really and indefinitely heal. You can always shed some unwanted "junk in the trunk", build more muscle and drop a few dress sizes. If you don't deal with the issues that got you there- you are no better off than when the "weight loss" began.
I knew that if this was going to be for good- for real this time I was going to have to work a little harder and dig deeper then before.
I also took the advice of once of my friends and my sister and looked more into the ADHD diagnosis I had been given as a child- and decided to start taking medication for it- which greatly helped me focus and respond rather than react to stressful situations. Furthermore- an awesome and unexpected side effect- I no longer have night terrors so I actually get a good nights sleep.

I found an education program in Sacramento that would help guide me through the world of Autism intervention that I so wanted to be a part of. That series of courses afforded me an opportunity to see for myself where we had come from in research, development and training. I learned that I want to start when children early on- I learned that eventually I would like to work with older children to help with social and life skills so that if possible- these children have a real shot at adulthood on their own- I want to help people find their place in our society. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for the hand full of mentors that saw my potential and really worked with me to help me see it in myself. Something I fully realized a couple years ago as well is that the mentoring didn't stop just because I turned 18- or left college even. There have been mentors in my workplace as well. I do not know if these people will ever know how much they truly helped me to get where I am at today- but I do hope that one day I can help them or someone they know as a token for the doors and windows they have opened for me.

I sought help earlier this year to try and learn new coping skills in the event that I would be unable to take my meds for an extended period of time. While the counselor ultimately implied through a gesture that he could no longer take mine and my husbands money to see us any longer- he left his door open and I may have to walk through it again- who knows.

** Disclaimer** I am well aware that she visits Italy, INDIA and Indonesia, however I am reflecting and I indulge plenty in great food and wine, and I have the love of my life- so all I need to do is not take him for granted. Balance-Prayer- meditation- grace- those are the things that spoke to me in her journey- those are the things that I need to work on.


In reading Eat Pray Love I realized that the human experience for some of us, if not all of us (for many different reasons) is one that is filled with that one (or several in my case) outer body- snap out of it episodes that typically bring about radical changes in an attempt to break the monotony that we are convinced is causing us pain. I am very good at escaping reality by working ridiculous hours to prove that I am a good employee. I also bury my head in books to get that kind of release that I need when I especially frustrated with myself and my short comings (what can I say- I am a nerd who likes to learn about new things- especially relationships and how autistic and ADHD brains function since I am fascinated by this). Until the beginning of my "journey to a healthy me" however- I never read a novel for the sake of enjoyment of another's take on things- and what I found in Eat, Pray Love I hope I never forget.

I learned that yoga is more than exercise- more than restraint- more than self denial and pain. Yoga- real yoga- not just the stuff that is done in the gym is about connecting with your higher power- on a level that goes beyond Sunday morning- beyond the physical. Yoga is about getting right with yourself as a means to getting spiritually and mentally with your higher power (God if you will). Elizabeth Gilbert shares her experiences in an ashram in India where she learns how to rid her heart and her mind of her demons. It is not until this happens that she can begin to seek what is it she goes to India for.
This passage that is below is a set of instructions that she is given from another person at the ashram. I was so moved by this exercise that I have been working on the steps myself. I plan on getting in nature very soon to fully experience the exercise. I hope you find it as thought provoking as I have.
( The following is an excerpt from Eat Pray Love Elizabeth Gilbert- pg 184-185)
Instructions For Freedom
1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.
3. The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out- on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.
6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.
9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

I Would Die For That

Found this yesterday. Very powerful and I love this song. Kellie Coffey wrote this song during her struggles and I am so glad that she had the stregth to share her pain and struggles to help debunk the feeling that I am the only one. God Bless her and other like her who can share their stories for the benefit of others. It is wierd how knowing you are not along helps you get through it all.

How far I have come- Oh what a journey it has been...

 Before It's Too Late

You smile though inside you're screaming
The mirror your enemy
Or so you think
Will you realize the damage you're doing
Before it's too late

One more size down
But When will you stop
When will small be small enough
When will you end this war within yourself

Your bones creak
Your muscles ache
As you starve your body
It is really your soul that suffers the loss

Why is size your obsession
Why did you listen to those who used to taunt
Can you still pretend that nothings wrong

If scales don't lie, but the mind does
Why can't you walk away
From what you think you see
And focus on the needs you hear
From your body's cries

You smile though inside you're screaming
The mirror your enemy
Or so you think
Will you realize the damage you're doing
Before it's too late

(composed Spring Break 2000)

Believe it or not, this picture at one time was hard for me to look at. When this was taken I was in the middle of my second year of college I believe. I thought that I had finally conquered the evils of food. I was the smallest I had ever been that I could remember. I fooled myself into thinking the healthiest I had been. What other people may have suspected but I would never admit to was that I was probably very close to falling over the edge into an eating disorder. I say almost not because I am in denial of how unhealthy I was but because I didn't have to get help to pull  myself out of it. I began realizing that I could be doing damage that could not be fixed. I realized that diet pills, slim fast and diet coke do not a meal make.  It took me quite some time and many trips sliding to both extremes to figure out what I needed. But I feel that I am finally there.

This pic is probably the scariest. I still remember how fun that day was, and how gorgeous my sister looked. I remember thinking I could only be so lucky to look as good as her on my wedding day. Interestingly enough I had just met my future husband about 3 months before Kathleen got married, and I cared about him so much that I spared Eric from meeting that much of my family all at once. The ceremony was beautiful, despite my singing slightly off key cause I was crying. I was just honored that Kathleen thought of me enough to have me sing at her wedding. The reception was great with the dancing and the toast that seemed funny cause we couldn't use champagne at all since Kathleen and Ernie weren't 21. I remember the good times. In the back of that memory is also the realization that I spent most of the eating part of the reception moving food around my plate and not eating much and hoping that no one would notice. That isn't any way to live life. At the time though I thought doing things like that meant that I was completely in control.

On my wedding day I would like to think that I had come such a long way. To some degree I had. At some point after the first pic of this blog I started eating more to make sure no one thought I had a problem, and soon I was eating way too much, and not exercising and well the opposite extreme began to happen. Just before my wedding started the yo-yoing. My wedding pics for the most part are the best I looked in quite some time by that point. I wish I could say that I had gotten over some of my bad habits in time to walk down the alter but I can't that would be lieing. I was doing better but Eric had to remind me of a thing or two

and it was up to me to live by the promises I had made to him. He has been my rock when I was weak. He has loved me thick or thin. More importantly, he loves me enough to ask me to be happy and healthy. I am blessed to have such a strong person in my life.

Through trials and tribulations that I could not foresee and no amount of planning could prepare me for, I lost a lot of who I was to things that were beyond mine or Eric's control. Some people go to booze to comfort them, I did that but mostly I punished myself by over eating. If my body wasn't able to do what should come naturally then somehow I was going to show it who was boss by stuffing my face and making things even more challenging. I never said I was a genius.... It was shortly after looking at this Christmas pic as well as pic from a friends wedding that I realized that I was headed down a very unhealthy road that wouldn't help anyone, least of all people me....
The year I joined Jenny Craig I stopped buying regular clothes cause I couldn't handle the size, I switched to maternity clothes which actually just added insult to injury. I was close to 200 pounds at 5'3' and I have asthma and bad joints and could hardly move cause it hurt so bad. For some people this may not be a big deal but for me it was dangerous and I was sinking very quickly into darkness that I had never experienced.

I took a chance and as it turns out, it was the best decision I could have made.

It may not seem like it, but when this pic had been taken, I had lost about 15 pounds. I was well on my way to a new me. I am very proud at how I have not starved myself in this process. I am really trying to do this the right way. I am motivated this time sense my health is not just about me. I want to make sure that I am preparing my body, heart and mind for rest of my life. I want to be healthy not skinny. I have learned in the last 2 years that those are 2 very different things. I will not bore you all with much more.

This is me in Nov 2009 at Charlotte's baby shower. At this point I had lost 50 pounds. I have gained and lost the same 5-10 pounds since then. I am so close to my goal weight. It seems only fair that in order for me to get there I am going to have put in some "sweat equity". I think it has gotten harder cause I have less to lose so I have have work to drop the pounds now. It goes a little deeper then what I do or do not put in my mouth. It  is a learning process and I just have to embrace it :-D

Me at Easter brunch at Kevin's house.

Most recently at 'An Evening With Kevin Smith'.

I have come so far and worked for every inch and pound lost. I have a little ways to go but I can hold my head up high knowing that this time I have truly conquered the one thing that has seem to be my worst enemy- self doubt, self sabotage and self loathing. It has been quite an experience. One that I will not soon forget.

I post this not to brag but to face my inner demons and become honest with myself once and for all. I do not ever want to swing to either extreme again. I have learned that beauty is not found in a perfect body it is not found in the eye of the beholder- beauty is found within.

Love yourself for who you are no matter your size. Anyone who tries to change you to meet their vision of beauty does not deserve you or the body that you possess.

I now have Ink

Three weeks ago my sister graciously took me to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for what seems like forever, but never really settled on something that had enough meaning that I would want it on my body forever. Here is what I thought of while it was getting done. I am not kidding when I say that about 5 minutes in- the clarity that I felt was life changing!!!

My first tattoo symbolizes 2 things really.

1st: This serves as my reminder to unlock the worlds that are trapped in my own mind. I spent a lot of my life allowing people to walk all over me, comparing myself to others, putting myself down. Feeling as though I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, special enough, and wishing I was someone else. The amount of energy that took was unbelievable.
I am not an island, I have the support and love of my family and friends. I can be myself and love me who I am knowing that my quirks are what make me unique. It is up to me to make the best of the time I have here. I can not control what others think of me only what I think of myself.

I love helping people, that is all I ever wanted to do. This past year I have learned that I first have to help myself to be the best I can be. No more, no less.

2nd: One day I will work with individuals on the Autism Spectrum. This is a symbol of my commitment to that dream.

The location of my tattoo speaks to this. While not directly at the base of the brain, as Autism is neurological- the puzzle pieces are located on my upper back. The middle piece is directly on my spine, and has a keyhole in the center. The success of any intervention program is unlocking each individuals potential. The two pieces on either side are the support systems that are put in place. There may be a lot of weight on my shoulders since what I want to do is develop and implement such strategies and programs- I will be working with children, their parents and possibly their teachers in order to create an environment of enrichment.

It is not my goal to change what makes each of these individuals special- rather it is my privilege to try and figure out what makes them happy- use their interests to connect them to the world that exists outside their minds. I do not want to fix them for I do not feel that being different makes you broken. My job will be to tweak things a bit so that they can happily co-exist with the other "awful normals" as I like to call them.

It has long been my battle cry that I am not broke do not try to fix me. While I said that for many years in defense- I can honestly say I finally believe that. I am working on this truth daily. Some days are better then others. If this is the year that I am blessed with bringing another life into this world- I can honestly say that I will be doing so a much more balanced person. I am well on my way to being healthy physically, mentally, spiritually but mostly emotionally.

I know I have joked that I am dreading my 30th birthday but I think I have passed a milestone as I am writing this. I am comfortable with who I am, all aspects of me. I am at peace. I think that is really the best gift a person can give themselves. I have dreams and goals of what the next 11 months will bring, but for once- they do not define me, they are not what will make this year "count" as a year worth living. They are simply that- dreams.