How far I have come- Oh what a journey it has been...

 Before It's Too Late

You smile though inside you're screaming
The mirror your enemy
Or so you think
Will you realize the damage you're doing
Before it's too late

One more size down
But When will you stop
When will small be small enough
When will you end this war within yourself

Your bones creak
Your muscles ache
As you starve your body
It is really your soul that suffers the loss

Why is size your obsession
Why did you listen to those who used to taunt
Can you still pretend that nothings wrong

If scales don't lie, but the mind does
Why can't you walk away
From what you think you see
And focus on the needs you hear
From your body's cries

You smile though inside you're screaming
The mirror your enemy
Or so you think
Will you realize the damage you're doing
Before it's too late

(composed Spring Break 2000)

Believe it or not, this picture at one time was hard for me to look at. When this was taken I was in the middle of my second year of college I believe. I thought that I had finally conquered the evils of food. I was the smallest I had ever been that I could remember. I fooled myself into thinking the healthiest I had been. What other people may have suspected but I would never admit to was that I was probably very close to falling over the edge into an eating disorder. I say almost not because I am in denial of how unhealthy I was but because I didn't have to get help to pull  myself out of it. I began realizing that I could be doing damage that could not be fixed. I realized that diet pills, slim fast and diet coke do not a meal make.  It took me quite some time and many trips sliding to both extremes to figure out what I needed. But I feel that I am finally there.

This pic is probably the scariest. I still remember how fun that day was, and how gorgeous my sister looked. I remember thinking I could only be so lucky to look as good as her on my wedding day. Interestingly enough I had just met my future husband about 3 months before Kathleen got married, and I cared about him so much that I spared Eric from meeting that much of my family all at once. The ceremony was beautiful, despite my singing slightly off key cause I was crying. I was just honored that Kathleen thought of me enough to have me sing at her wedding. The reception was great with the dancing and the toast that seemed funny cause we couldn't use champagne at all since Kathleen and Ernie weren't 21. I remember the good times. In the back of that memory is also the realization that I spent most of the eating part of the reception moving food around my plate and not eating much and hoping that no one would notice. That isn't any way to live life. At the time though I thought doing things like that meant that I was completely in control.

On my wedding day I would like to think that I had come such a long way. To some degree I had. At some point after the first pic of this blog I started eating more to make sure no one thought I had a problem, and soon I was eating way too much, and not exercising and well the opposite extreme began to happen. Just before my wedding started the yo-yoing. My wedding pics for the most part are the best I looked in quite some time by that point. I wish I could say that I had gotten over some of my bad habits in time to walk down the alter but I can't that would be lieing. I was doing better but Eric had to remind me of a thing or two

and it was up to me to live by the promises I had made to him. He has been my rock when I was weak. He has loved me thick or thin. More importantly, he loves me enough to ask me to be happy and healthy. I am blessed to have such a strong person in my life.

Through trials and tribulations that I could not foresee and no amount of planning could prepare me for, I lost a lot of who I was to things that were beyond mine or Eric's control. Some people go to booze to comfort them, I did that but mostly I punished myself by over eating. If my body wasn't able to do what should come naturally then somehow I was going to show it who was boss by stuffing my face and making things even more challenging. I never said I was a genius.... It was shortly after looking at this Christmas pic as well as pic from a friends wedding that I realized that I was headed down a very unhealthy road that wouldn't help anyone, least of all people me....
The year I joined Jenny Craig I stopped buying regular clothes cause I couldn't handle the size, I switched to maternity clothes which actually just added insult to injury. I was close to 200 pounds at 5'3' and I have asthma and bad joints and could hardly move cause it hurt so bad. For some people this may not be a big deal but for me it was dangerous and I was sinking very quickly into darkness that I had never experienced.

I took a chance and as it turns out, it was the best decision I could have made.

It may not seem like it, but when this pic had been taken, I had lost about 15 pounds. I was well on my way to a new me. I am very proud at how I have not starved myself in this process. I am really trying to do this the right way. I am motivated this time sense my health is not just about me. I want to make sure that I am preparing my body, heart and mind for rest of my life. I want to be healthy not skinny. I have learned in the last 2 years that those are 2 very different things. I will not bore you all with much more.

This is me in Nov 2009 at Charlotte's baby shower. At this point I had lost 50 pounds. I have gained and lost the same 5-10 pounds since then. I am so close to my goal weight. It seems only fair that in order for me to get there I am going to have put in some "sweat equity". I think it has gotten harder cause I have less to lose so I have have work to drop the pounds now. It goes a little deeper then what I do or do not put in my mouth. It  is a learning process and I just have to embrace it :-D

Me at Easter brunch at Kevin's house.

Most recently at 'An Evening With Kevin Smith'.

I have come so far and worked for every inch and pound lost. I have a little ways to go but I can hold my head up high knowing that this time I have truly conquered the one thing that has seem to be my worst enemy- self doubt, self sabotage and self loathing. It has been quite an experience. One that I will not soon forget.

I post this not to brag but to face my inner demons and become honest with myself once and for all. I do not ever want to swing to either extreme again. I have learned that beauty is not found in a perfect body it is not found in the eye of the beholder- beauty is found within.

Love yourself for who you are no matter your size. Anyone who tries to change you to meet their vision of beauty does not deserve you or the body that you possess.

I now have Ink

Three weeks ago my sister graciously took me to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for what seems like forever, but never really settled on something that had enough meaning that I would want it on my body forever. Here is what I thought of while it was getting done. I am not kidding when I say that about 5 minutes in- the clarity that I felt was life changing!!!

My first tattoo symbolizes 2 things really.

1st: This serves as my reminder to unlock the worlds that are trapped in my own mind. I spent a lot of my life allowing people to walk all over me, comparing myself to others, putting myself down. Feeling as though I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, special enough, and wishing I was someone else. The amount of energy that took was unbelievable.
I am not an island, I have the support and love of my family and friends. I can be myself and love me who I am knowing that my quirks are what make me unique. It is up to me to make the best of the time I have here. I can not control what others think of me only what I think of myself.

I love helping people, that is all I ever wanted to do. This past year I have learned that I first have to help myself to be the best I can be. No more, no less.

2nd: One day I will work with individuals on the Autism Spectrum. This is a symbol of my commitment to that dream.

The location of my tattoo speaks to this. While not directly at the base of the brain, as Autism is neurological- the puzzle pieces are located on my upper back. The middle piece is directly on my spine, and has a keyhole in the center. The success of any intervention program is unlocking each individuals potential. The two pieces on either side are the support systems that are put in place. There may be a lot of weight on my shoulders since what I want to do is develop and implement such strategies and programs- I will be working with children, their parents and possibly their teachers in order to create an environment of enrichment.

It is not my goal to change what makes each of these individuals special- rather it is my privilege to try and figure out what makes them happy- use their interests to connect them to the world that exists outside their minds. I do not want to fix them for I do not feel that being different makes you broken. My job will be to tweak things a bit so that they can happily co-exist with the other "awful normals" as I like to call them.

It has long been my battle cry that I am not broke do not try to fix me. While I said that for many years in defense- I can honestly say I finally believe that. I am working on this truth daily. Some days are better then others. If this is the year that I am blessed with bringing another life into this world- I can honestly say that I will be doing so a much more balanced person. I am well on my way to being healthy physically, mentally, spiritually but mostly emotionally.

I know I have joked that I am dreading my 30th birthday but I think I have passed a milestone as I am writing this. I am comfortable with who I am, all aspects of me. I am at peace. I think that is really the best gift a person can give themselves. I have dreams and goals of what the next 11 months will bring, but for once- they do not define me, they are not what will make this year "count" as a year worth living. They are simply that- dreams.