Three weeks ago my sister graciously took me to get my first tattoo. I have wanted one for what seems like forever, but never really settled on something that had enough meaning that I would want it on my body forever. Here is what I thought of while it was getting done. I am not kidding when I say that about 5 minutes in- the clarity that I felt was life changing!!!
My first tattoo symbolizes 2 things really.
1st: This serves as my reminder to unlock the worlds that are trapped in my own mind. I spent a lot of my life allowing people to walk all over me, comparing myself to others, putting myself down. Feeling as though I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, special enough, and wishing I was someone else. The amount of energy that took was unbelievable.
I am not an island, I have the support and love of my family and friends. I can be myself and love me who I am knowing that my quirks are what make me unique. It is up to me to make the best of the time I have here. I can not control what others think of me only what I think of myself.
I love helping people, that is all I ever wanted to do. This past year I have learned that I first have to help myself to be the best I can be. No more, no less.
2nd: One day I will work with individuals on the Autism Spectrum. This is a symbol of my commitment to that dream.
The location of my tattoo speaks to this. While not directly at the base of the brain, as Autism is neurological- the puzzle pieces are located on my upper back. The middle piece is directly on my spine, and has a keyhole in the center. The success of any intervention program is unlocking each individuals potential. The two pieces on either side are the support systems that are put in place. There may be a lot of weight on my shoulders since what I want to do is develop and implement such strategies and programs- I will be working with children, their parents and possibly their teachers in order to create an environment of enrichment.
It is not my goal to change what makes each of these individuals special- rather it is my privilege to try and figure out what makes them happy- use their interests to connect them to the world that exists outside their minds. I do not want to fix them for I do not feel that being different makes you broken. My job will be to tweak things a bit so that they can happily co-exist with the other "awful normals" as I like to call them.
It has long been my battle cry that I am not broke do not try to fix me. While I said that for many years in defense- I can honestly say I finally believe that. I am working on this truth daily. Some days are better then others. If this is the year that I am blessed with bringing another life into this world- I can honestly say that I will be doing so a much more balanced person. I am well on my way to being healthy physically, mentally, spiritually but mostly emotionally.
I know I have joked that I am dreading my 30th birthday but I think I have passed a milestone as I am writing this. I am comfortable with who I am, all aspects of me. I am at peace. I think that is really the best gift a person can give themselves. I have dreams and goals of what the next 11 months will bring, but for once- they do not define me, they are not what will make this year "count" as a year worth living. They are simply that- dreams.
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